why do all f*ckin’ good things come to an f*ckin’ end?

right now feel like i’m a big big looooooooooser. deoarece dupa toate aceste incerkari to get over her, i fail and fall back to the same idea : can’t get over her.

dupa ce am skris about my best winter, few friends tried to help me out ( again thanks for that ) shi parqa ai spune ka au reushit. timp de 2 zile am reushit sa-mi insuflu ka everything is just fine shi ka tot ce-a a fost, a fost, shi de mine depinde daqa vreau in viitor sa mai am parte de dragostea adevarata a cuiva.

Am fakut unele skimbari in viatza mea, am decis din senin sa ma transfer in klasa paralela ku profil umanist, without even giving it a second thought ( an usual thing for me : to walk the line ). Am krezut doar ka unele skimbari in viatza ar putea fi spre binele meu. In my new class i got the chance to see if this theory of mine works or not.

she is quite cute, lovely, charming, interesting and i think we’ve got the right chemistry. BANG! smth has to be wrong, otherwise i would be dreaming, not living.

so, noaptea trekuta am diskutat ku ea pana dimineatza ( on the phone, like in elizabethtown ). it felt kinda good.. i got to know her better.. BUT she’s not far from being like Her ( shi de acest zid ma lovesk de fiekare data ). M-a dezamagit putzin kestia inkauza, dar nu pot spune ka m-am dat batut imediat, pentru ka pierdusem doar o batalie, razboiul urma sa-l pierd vreo 2 ore mai tarziu. After talking to her, it was about 5 a.m. , stateam aiurit la balkon shi priveam kasele moarte din jur, nici o lumina aprisa, nici un zgomot dekat cel al unor automobile kare trek din kand in kand, acel aer imbatator de dupa ploaie, aceeashi luna, aceleashi stele.. nu pot spune ku exaktitate ka reflektam asupra la ceva in klipa data, dar un lukru era la sigur, aveam o idee in kap, una kam ireala, dar nu ma lasa ( think that’s called revelatzie ). eram sigur ka ea shi-a aktualizat profilul pe hi5, lukru kare-l face foarte shi foarte rar, dar in momentul dat asha kredeam.

i turned on my pc, am deskis firefox’u, typing www.hi5.com, entering my username, browse through my friends.. and there she was. she didn’t change the default photo, so for a moment i thought : “nah, u’re so naive.. go get some sleep.”, totushi idea nu m-a lepadat shi am am mutat spre urmatoarea poza.. damn.. i was astonished.. everytime i see her, even if it’s on photo’s, i’m like Terminator after a system error, i’m not able to anything but staring at her . i started to look further. the net was slow as hell, don’t know why in that damn moment it had to be so slow. Anyway it wasn’t so unpleasant to wait as i was listening to Damien Rice.

Am krezut la inceput ka am halucinatzii, doar nu dormisem acea noapte shi poate imaginatzia imi facea feste. Nah, nu era vina imaginatziei, okii au redat imaginea reala pe kare au interpretat-o. It was her.. but she wasn’t alone.. There was this $^@(*$(%@!) who was embracing her… and 4 words i couldn’t take off my mind, 4 words that killed me right there : “love of my life”..

if she only knew how much these words hurt me..

the bad part was that it wasn’t the only photo with him. in another one she wrote smth like : ” u never know when love strikes you”.. i was unable to think what she meant with that, one thing i could say clearly : how the f*ck am i supposed to get over her when the simple fact that she’s living next door is killing me.

and she’s happy, may be with him she has the best time of her life, like it was for me when we were together.. long time ago.. like in fairy tale.. One thing i do remember was that i read somewhere that if you love someone trebuie sa faci tot ce-tzi sta in putere pentru a face-o fericita, kiar daqa asta e in detrimentul tau. well.. that’s what i’m doing, even if i don’t do anything at all.. i just stay away from her life..

so i’ll just continue my sad existence and if i’ll have the chance to be again with her, i’ll make everything that possible and impossible just to be with her. Pana atunci, “eu raman ce-am fost, romantic” (m.em.) in my case, i remain to be a loooser.

her..

to be or not to be..

deseori ne punem intrebarea : why ? ( klar lukru ka unii delok nu se intreaba ka nu au intrebari shi nici de raspunsuri n-au nevoie ). in kazul meu intrebarea apare des shi tot timpul e legata de un alt lukru. prioritate a avut intotdeauna intrebarea : why me ? shi la intrebarea asta nu am putut raspunde niciodata.now i’m asking myself : why was i born? kare mi-e menirea pe pamant ? de ce inqa traiesk ? legand o intrebare ku alta, am ajuns sa ma intreb ce ma tzine inqa pe pamant. so if u’re willing to suicide, read the next sentences and u might give it a second thought

de obicei un efekt puternik asupra vointzei de a trai il au persoanele apropiate, so if u’ve got a loving family and at least 1 true friend, than it’s out of discussion, u should leave, otherwise vei distruge viatza a cel putzin 3 persoane, lukru pe kare nu kred ka tzi-l doreshti daqa tzii ku adevarat la persoanele date. in my case i have 1 true friend, soul brother, ’bout family.. i can say they care about me, but i really don’t remember the last time i felt that.

un alt motiv ar fi kuriozitatea. m-am konvins de un lukru, ka niciodata nu shtii ce-tzi rezerva viitorul. kiar daqa toata viatza tzi-e un kin shi fiekare zi te trezeshti ku gandul: fuck, i’m still alive, orikum tzi se intampla lukruri la kare te ashteptzi cel mai putzin, iar printre toate aceste lukruri kare tzi se vor intampla in viitor poate fi shi unul determinant, kare sa-tzi dea un sens vietzii shi atunci ( banal, dar ) u’ll laugh ’bout this.

in orice kaz trebuie rabdare shi sa nu pierzi timpul degeaba, kiar daqa life is not fair, nu te lasa batut, things might change in a good way. Asta nu inseamna ka tre sa stai aiurea shi sa ashteptzi sa-tzi kada din pod ceva, nope, live a full life shi totul va veni de la sine.

eu m-am dat batut.. demult.. don’t give a fuck on anything ( school, future, .. ) sunt doar kondus de o konditzie : vreau, shi daqa vreau inseamna ka tre sa fak ceva pentru a obtzine ce vreau. m-am pus intr-o pozitzie comoda, i hate myself and if i let down my parents, friends, it’s nothing unsual, shi akum the only thing i think about is how to survive.

de asta shi spun, ka better give it a second thought before taking the wrong decision. adiqa nu ajungetzi asha ka mine

p.s. the pic’s name : burnt out soldiers

my best winter..

Iarna by default are semnifikatzia de anotimp, starts from december 1st till february 28th (and once in 4 years, 29th). Well, in my case winter isn’t a season. Asemanarea e ka a durat fix 3 luni ( strange thing ) shi era frig shi zapada ( kiar daqa zapada atunci imi parea roz iar frigul se asemana kaldurii din sahara). Diferentza e ka nu a inceput de pe intyi decembrie, ci de pe 27 noiembrie shi s-a sfarshit pe 27 februarie ( this day i hate most of all, even if it’s my birthday ).

Daqa iarna a fost deosebita, primavara vreai, nu vreai, orikum vine. De vreo 4-5 ani am o pasiune nebuna pentru fotografie, tzin minte ka in primavara de pana la aceasta iarna am fakut nishte fotografii super, kiar daqa se citea pe ele ka-s fakute de un incepator, mi-au plakut mult. In primavara dupa aceasta iarna, nu observam dekat un singur peisaj, lokurile pe unde am fost ku ea. Asha a trekut shi vara, shi toamna ku ploile ei ku tot, iar iarna e permanent aceeashi, imi fak o mapa imaginara la tot ce a fost in iarna aceea shi traiesk ku asta, de altfel fiekare iarna ar fi o incerkare pentru bataile inimii mele.

Au trekut 3 ani. Sa spun ka am mai avut momente bune de atunci ? da, bune, intr-adevar.. de kateva minute, maxim kateva ore ( dar nu potzi kompara kateva ore ku 3 luni de zile.. ). 3 ani shi 48 de zile nenorocite. did smth change ? yes, i died. when ? in that damn night->morning when you told me it’s over.. prin urmare ka epitaf pe mormantul meu ( dupa moartea fizika kare poate fi shi diseara shi peste 50 ani, nu kred insa sa rezist la asha o supradoza de timp mort ) : born : 27 november 2003 – died: 27 february 2004. kool, huh ?

intrebarea pe kare mi-o pun des: a meritat oare sa simt ka traiesk ku adevarat, sa mi se zbata inima-n piept zi shi noapte ku o intensitate ireala, ka dupa aceea sa ma sting ka un bek spart, kare nu poate fi strans shi aprins din nou. shi soarta unor cioburi de stikla aflate in bezna totala imi va fi kred ka blestem pe viatza. Paradoxal, dar raspunsul la intrebare e da, a meritat. E ka shi kum ai duce o viatza super pe pamant shi o eternitate in iad dupa asta. Shi daqa m-ash intoarce in acea zi, damn.. primul offline la #BeM =( .. daqa m-ash intoarce in acea zi, la sigur ash alege sa traiesk inqa o data aceste klipe alaturi de tine, kiar daqa konshtientizam ka sfarshitul va fi acelashi, ash fi savurat fiekare sekunda shi ash muri linishtit dupa asta, nu suspendat in suferintza ka akum.

Am trekut prin alte incerkari, parqa mai grele, am kunoskut alte fete, multe asemanandu-se ku tine in anumite lukruri shi kare a fost sensul ? sa ma konving ka nu e nimeni alta pe lume dekat tu ? sa realizez ka pe cine nu ash kunoashte nu voi intalni niciodata una ka tine ? why bother.. if they can’t give me that love i desire quite as good as you did.

Shtiu ka nu ai kum sa citeshti asta shi ka there is no point in this message, but i can’t stop this, i can’t lay down, there is still one thing alive in me and that’s my love for you.

Inkeiere :

neantul din mine se mareshte mereu
mi-e dor de tine, nu mai sunt eu
tzi-am pierdut urma, nu vreau nimiq,
ma ingrop, mor, ma mint, ma dezik.

ma doare dorul, shi visul, shi trairea
dulce-a fost amorul, amara despartzirea..

O.C. Fan Club is BACK !!

Vreun an shi ceva in urma a fost deskis un fan club la The O.C. ( http://dhost.info/unkind/forum ). dupa o perioada inactiva de circa 3 luni, am hotarat sa deskid un nou forum, mai super, membri noi, topicuri noi, everything kinda seem’s better

so if u’re an O.C. fan don’t hesitate to enter : http://OC4Ever.nytka.org/forum

mai lukrez asupra lui, dar in linii generale e bun de navigat  despre O.C. voi skrie mai tarziu, am multe de skis

`njoy

work.. not a solution..

Am krezut ka daqa lukrezi asupra la ceva, acel ceva imi va kapta toata atentzia, iar dupa asta nu voi avea kum sa ma gandesk la ea, sa-mi amintesk tot ce-a fost. la inceput refuzam sa incerk cel putzin sa ma concentrez asupra la ceva, akum ma konving ka kiar e inutil sa o fak.. ultimele zile am lukrat asupra configurarii unui forum shi am pregatit kateva template-uri pentru portofolio. dupa primele 2 ore, am krezut brusk ka intr-adevar, ma concentrez asupra kestiei in kauza shi uit de restu’.. dezamagirea a fost ka peste vreo 20 de minute toata conceptzia asta s-a prabushit.. shi gata.. eshti invins, nu potzi sa zici ka te potzi ridika, pentru ka n-ai kum.. automat, involuntar, deskizi sad list-ul, faci un slideshow ku pozele ei shi eshti dus.. ku totul in alta lume.. te intorci in trekut. creieru’ pe jumatate naucit porneshte operatziunea de restore la amintiri shi parqa parqa o simtzi iar langa tine, te vezi zambind, pe oki se citeshte ‘FERICIT’ shi intreaga ta fiintza nu se mai simte singura, dar o jumatate a ceva, o dependetza dulce de kare nu vreai sa skapi. De obicei in dekursul procesului de restore apare un Error : System Overloaded, simtzi kum nu rezishti amintirilor. te strapung intr-atat de adank ka nici un impuls nu mai trece de acea rana, akolo-i prapastia. revii la realitate, priveshti aiurit la a Y-a poza kare apare lent in acel slideshow, incepi sa auzi nishte sunete, vreo piesa kunoskuta dar akum nu ai kum sa-tzi dai seama kare-i, kiar daq ai askultat-o de mii de ori… shi dupa revenirea kompleta la realitate, apare senzatzia ‘akum m-ash arunka liber peste balkon’ dupa ce realizezi ka ce-a fost, a fost cel mai frumos lukru trait de tine vreodata shi in totzi anii kare urmeaza sunt shanse slabe de a tzi se akorda o a 2-a shansa, iar viatza traita in aces ritm, ea nu-i traita.. ea a murit atunci shi zace neinsufletzita, exista doar de dragul kuiva, dar nu al ei..

Damien Rice

Damien Rice : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damien_rice + tot aici aflatzi despre Lisa Hannigan ( ninunea de kare el a fost asha tare indragostit shi ku kare paradoxal inqa kanta, eu n-ash putea.. ).

Piese : http://myspace.com/damienrice ( just to listen ).

Lyrics : http://www.eskimofriends.com/lyrics.asp

Fan Site’s :  www.damienrice.com ( official web site ), www.eskimofriends.com, www.damienrice.co.uk

Pot spune ku sigurantza ka de la un timp inkoa’ in playlist-ul meu au o prioritate considerabila piesele lui Damien Rice. Piesa 9 crimes ( for example ) am askultat-o pana akum de 17331 de ori, in 2 luni ash spune.

The Beginning:

Aproximativ 2 ani in urma, kand aparuse filmul Closer, o membra a forumului Moldova.Net a rekomandat acest film shi totodata o piesa a lui Damien Rice : The Blower’s Daughter ( piesa de atunci askultata de 82529 de ori.. 82530 de’am ). Piesa foarte super, lyrics’urile le putetzi vedea in comentarii mai apoi am mai gasit o piesa de’a lui Cold Water, tot super, gen Blower’s Daughter, dupa kare akum 2 luni prin surprindere am gasit pe torrents.md toate albumele sale ( http://www.torrents.md/search.php?search_str=damien+rice ), am gasit un ku totul alt stil fatza de cele 2 piese pe kare le shtiam deja. Apoi au aparut kateva piese preferate, iar akum pot spune ka doar vreo 3-4 din toate 3 albume sunt putzin nereushite, dar restul pur shi simplu amazin’ !!!

Muzika sa in mare parte e bazata pe suferintza, o despartzire dureroasa shi se observa klar ka il distruge kestia in kauza shi ka asta konstituie sursa acestor capodopere. Am propus majoritatea prietenilor mei sa askulte kateva piese, just to see, they might like them. In konkluzie ( nu m-a surprins delok ) those who know how is it to suffer -> they like or even are obsessed of this music, but those who live a happy life and yet didn’t fall in love ( madly ) -> they don’t see the point of his songs.

Kateva sekventze din lyrics-urile sale shi some pics, in kommentarii.

`njoy

just 2 phrases i like =)

Nu ridika femeia la cer ka te insheala ku primul inger !!

fraza rupe intr-adevar =) nu insinuez absolut nimiq ( to the female readers ), pentru ka singur nu-mi vad viatza fara un ingerash de sex opus.. kiar daqa la moment ne separa multzi ani lumina, orikum.. hope dies last.

 Nimeni nu moare virgin, viaţa îi pe toţi !!

asta tot rupe deja nu kred ka necesita komentarii, e klar